Interview with Kristin Tillquist | Sound Authors Radio

February 10, 2009

Dr. Kent: Welcome back to Sound Authors! My next guest on the show is Kristen Tillquist. She has a book called Capitalizing on Kindness: Why 21st Century Professionals need to be nice. What a great, timely book for this transition in government and for this economic time. as I said earlier in the show, every time I leave my house here in new York, I feel like I’m in a war zone because traffic is so crazy and I think people just are having difficult times maybe at home, maybe in their professional lives and they’re just not nice. Welcome to the show Kristin Tillquist.

Kristin Tillquist: Thank you, I’m glad to be here and I’m glad you mentioned some of your own experience and that’s really a symptom of the 21st century in so many ways as far as being in many ways crime and some of the common courtesies that make the world go around in a more pleasant way.

Dr. Kent: But I have heard in business things have started to change towards what people call a more female way of managing things. A lot more pleasantries, a lot less big heads, hard heads. Talk about the business world today.

Kristin Tillquist: Well the business world is really what the book Capitalizing on Kindness is all about but the point about everyday world it seems that people are actually finding a decline in courtesy and kind of common every kindnesses over the last five years. People are finding that it seems to them people are less kind but in the business world I think you bring up a good point that in some ways kindness is infiltrating the business world but we have a long, long way to go and one of the reasons I put this together and really brought a lot of research into it and a lot of case studies and examples is that I think as professionals in the 21st century right now, we’re really missing a tremendous opportunity in business to give and receive the benefits of kindness.

In giving kindness in business world through communicating better, through building a caring reputations, you’re using thanks a lot, using a lot of different appreciation that leads to a positive personality. These sorts of things make a business more kinder and gentler but the flip side of that which is a little known fact in some cases is that it also makes the business world a more profitable place. So what I want to do in this book and in talking people all across the country and then around the world is to let people know the nice guys can come out of the closet and truly be successful in the business world, especially in this down economy.

Dr. Kent: How did you get into the process of writing? Have you been a writer for a long time?

Kristin Tillquist: I’m actually an attorney by trade. I used to practice law and I got into litigation early on in my practice so I was always in court and always in situations that were by necessity adversarial and I found that pretty unsatisfying in the sense that I knew there was a better way of doing things. What I started to observe, even in the practice of law, was people think you have to be cutthroat in the practice of law; you have to be very competitive, which is true in some ways.

But in many ways what I found is when the attorneys and their clients were conscious of being respectful of getting to the bottom of what was really at stake, what the people on either side really needed, wanted; often it was something as simple as respect and recognition. So when people that practice law can recognize that and be kind to each other, we often get better results from their clients and there’s also research that backs that up and shows that the judges and juries are more likely to award more money to clients that are nice, that are positive, and also that are actually likely to award less money to people that don’t behave in that manner.

So that’s partially where I got into the interest of why kindness is both so essential in business but also how it works and why it really greases the wheels of commerce especially in the global world. Then I ended up working as the chief of staff for the Mayor of the City of Riverside in California, which is the fastest growing county region in the United States. I see a lot of the political side of things and again there’s good and bad in that and there’s lots of ways in which kindness makes things work much better on every front.

Dr. Kent: Well that’s an interesting point; when Barack Obama just got sworn in. He seems like such a nice guy.

Kristin Tillquist: Absolutely and you know that is no question that has played into his enormous success. People were able to identify with him, they simply liked him. I actually mentioned a little bit about his contest with Senator Clinton earlier on and part of it being although she had the higher level of experience without question and played a lot of higher level of connections that were Washington based and so on, he was so likeable and one of the powers that I talk about in the book is the power of positive personality, being someone that’s likeable and people can connect with is so strong and there’s been a lot of analysis done and it looks like that may have been the factor that allowed President Obama to get to where he is. You do like him.

Dr. Kent: Absolutely and now in the workplace from day to day of course you need to sort of kowtow or brown nose to your boss, be nice, give gifts and all of that but beyond that, what does a boss do? What do you do to your fellow colleagues and things like that? How does that play into it, especially in this economic downtime? Why is it so important to be nice?

Kristin Tillquist: Well that’s an excellent question, especially with the economy. How does this work? But I definitely want to make sure that we’re not looking at kowtowing or brown nosing because it’s absolutely the opposite approach that I take in the book. A colleague of mine has a good way of putting it and she says don’t ever mistake my niceness for weakness. This is not about rolling over and always being the one who does all the extra work or taking the bad jobs or doing the dirty work. It’s actually not that, it’s the antithesis really. Its about how to put forward your own goals and objectives as a professional in a very strong, savvy, directed sort of manner, but at the same point always looking at the exact same time how you can help other people to achieve their goals and reach their highest potential.

So it means being gentle with someone whose having a day that means taking down the core of a colleague or a boss and seeing if there’s an abrasive personality for example. What’s really going on behind that? What are they trying to accomplish? What insecurities are they dealing with? And then figure out a way to help them achieve their goals. Its simple things like writing a reference letter for someone who needs it or offering to write that letter before even being asked. It might occasionally be staying late and helping someone with a deadline knowing full and well that you’re giving them a good favor and helping them in that moment and simultaneously you know that favor comes right back to you through incredible good will and opportunities to be assisted yourself in the future. So the power of reciprocity is key ways that professionals succeed.

Dr. Kent: So it boils down to karma?

Kristin Tillquist: No, not karma in the sense of well you know, karma is used in so many ways. I think what it boils down to is a non-religious golden rule. Do unto others as you would have them do unto your loved ones and really treat people the way you would like to be treated and would hope to be treated and really modeling that role. So there is a lot of reciprocity of what goes around comes around and also what you send out in the world just gets magnified. So if you and your colleagues in your workplace or if you’re an independent business person, or even if you’re the CEO of a large corporation, you do set the tone and you do create a ripple effect. I talk a lot about kindness capital and its something, of course we’re talking about human capital and social capital; there’s also something called kindness capital where what you do in terms of simple kindness be it thanking someone, writing that reference letter or whatever the case may be or negotiating in a way that works well for all the parties involved. It creates more kindness and that is simply something we need to have. We need to magnify kindness, we need to create more of it and it does ripple out. There are a variety of sociological and business case studies that show that when someone is kind and does a favor for someone else or a kindness that the people who receive the kindness are just enormously, exponentially more likely to be kind themselves.

Dr. Kent: So if I drive around here in New York, if I drive nicely maybe other people will see that and they’ll be nice to other people?

Kristin Tillquist: Wouldn’t that be nice! In the business world, we’re talking about corporate kindness too. This is again where often times I find that business people need evidence and need to be persuaded because there is that nice guys finish last myth and its really a myth. If you look at all the successful people in corporations and you dig down, they don’t necessarily use the word kindness in their mission statements, which they ought to, and I’m increasingly hoping that they will but they use a lot of different terminology.

If you look at businesses that practice corporate kindness, for example creating a positive employee environment and practices like encouraging their employees to be volunteers and volunteer in their communities and they practice corporate philanthropy. Those companies have 35-45% higher stock values than companies that don’t. so what I did in capitalizing in kindness in the book is put a lot of evidence to help people who might think they understand kindness as a good thing, but to really show them how it actually pays off for the people who receive the kindness and the people that give the kindness.

Dr. Kent: There are times I’ve been labeled as a pure altruist. I’ll end up giving people the shirt off my back, or my most prized possessions. Do personalities come into play? Are certain people just tend to be more altruistic and people want sort of that well why should I be nice, what am I going to get out of it?

Kristin Tillquist: first actually I take issue with the term altruism because as yourself and I’m glad to hear that’s your approach because that means definitely more people like you to do that and to model that behavior but people as an “altruist” you’ve got a wonderful benefit of feeling great don’t you? I mean if you do something nice for someone, say you do give someone the shirt off your back. When you do you get an affect that’s called the helpers high, a documented fact where it’s like running in a race or a marathon.

People actually have endorphin rushes; it gives you a feeling of euphoria and a glow of good will. So the altruist is always getting a benefit so to me a true altruism or pure altruism is a bit of a misnomer. It actually exists but aside from that, I think that personalities play into it somewhat but what I’ve done is people who are naturally like yourself and people who have been modeling themselves for me who are I call them naturally nice. They’re just nice guys and you can tell. You can see it, they’re personable, they’re easy to get along with, they’re just welcoming. But like I said it doesn’t have to be one type of personality, they can also have very strong willed, very intense business people who are truly kind.

But what you can do and what I’ve tried to make really easy in the book is I list at the back of each chapter practice pointers so that people who don’t find themselves even naturally say outgoing or maybe its hard for people to trust them because of a physical appearance they may have or whatever it may be. It gives them practice pointers they can work with in dealing with people in business associations, every day life, personal life, and try and make it really simple to help them hone their approach and make it really easy for people to really warn up to them.

Dr. Kent: So you also deal with I guess the scrooge personality and he was lucky enough to have Marley’s ghost lead him around and then he could change his life. Is there a solution for the kind of grumpy folks at the top who are all about money?

Kristin Tillquist: Well I think for most people they are just not portraying what they’re truly wanting and a lot of people, especially right now with how the economy is so incredibly painful and difficult for people to work with and to get around. It’s just a very difficult situation and it really exacerbates our sense of being vulnerable and our sense of insecurity and that’s what I analyze as being the core of most problems is people who feel insecure. So when people feel insecure both in a personal life, work life, or even globally, it causes people to act badly in so many ways. So oftentimes you see the personality that seems so hard to work with is uncaring is simply unsure.

So it’s not a magic wand that you can just be nice to some really awful person and they’ll change, of course that’s not the case but it does give some insight into certain personalities. What you can do, what’s really key for your boss or the employee, is in the power of connecting, which is one of powers is how to create a sense of a larger purpose. Because people really need to have some reason to be motivated in the world, not just for daily bread and making a paycheck and even now, even when the economy is bad they still want you to be part of something bigger and more important.

So if you can find out if people in business, workplace can specialize and figure out what’s that larger purpose that they are striving towards and even if their just a small cog in that wheel to make sure that people buy into it and really believe in it. I think that’s key and lots of businesses like the Marriott Hotels and Mr. Marriott himself, the founder, is known for doing that when he visits different branches of his Marriott Hotels. He will stop and have lunches with his executives and so on but then he’ll pop into the kitchen and he’ll talk to the staff there. he’ll talk to the people cleaning up the floors and doing whatever needs to be done and not only does he show them a kindness like connecting with them and helping them put a face to a name, they understand that a little bit more what they’re doing there and why making that salad is valuable. He also gets to see what the quality control is so he really is one of those people that knows how to create connections and both sides benefit.

Dr. Kent: Wow! Well it’s a fascinating discussion for many reasons right now and I think the most interesting thing about it is what we said at the very beginning with the new President Obama who seems to be a very nice guy and we all see that by watching CNN. It’s been great chatting with you. The book is called Capitalizing on Kindness: Why 21st century professionals need to be nice, by Kristen Tillquist. Where can we find out more about you?

Kristin Tillquist: You can pop on my website if anyone wants to, its kindnesscapital.com and the book is in bookstores.

Dr. Kent: Wonderful, and of course the book is available, it’s published by Career Press. Thank you so much for chatting with me Kristen.

Kristin Tillquist: Thank you, I enjoyed it.

Dr. Kent: My next guest on the show is a musician. As always we feature a musician in the fourth part of each show. His name is Yosvany Terry and he is known for his innovation performing with legends like Silvia Rodriguez and other incredible young Cuban jazz players. I’m going to play a tune from him and then we’ll talk to him after that.

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