Susan Hetrick Transcript

April 5, 2008

Dr. Kent Gustavson: Welcome back to “Sound Authors”. Today is the 40th anniversary of Dr. King’s assassination. Something that was very important to him was his family. Of course, they’ve carried his legacy down through the years.My next guest is Susan Hetrick. She has a book called “Advice from the Blender: What to Know Before You Blend So Nobody Gets Creamed”. It’s an amusing title, it’s been successful for her, clearly, and it’s a book about how to live with families, how to live with step-families, something that we’re seeing in the world all the time now.Welcome to the show, Susan Hetrick!

Susan Hetrick: All right! Kent, how are you?

Kent: Good! Tell me a little bit about what inspired you to write this book, “Advice from the Blender”.

Susan: Oh, about four years ago, I got married for the second time and he brought two children and a cat and I brought two children and two dogs and a hamster. And we had to figure out how to live together without killing one another. And at the same time, I was in graduate school, pursuing a Master of Divinity degree and one of my classes was a marriage counseling class.We were looking through resources and I could not find very much out there about what to expect when you blend two families. The few books that were available most were over 10 years old. Some were written by people who weren’t even in stepfamilies.And so, I decided that there was a real need out there for a book that actually told it like it was and gave people a better idea, a realistic idea, of what to expect when they enter into a stepfamily situation.

Kent: And what was it like for you? You said you had a hamster?

Susan: [laughs]

Kent: Two dogs… That’s a concern to me more than the kids.

Susan: [laughs]

Kent: What happened with the cat and the hamster? Were they friends?

Susan: Actually, they ignored one another. We ended up having one of the dogs ate the hamster, so…

Kent: Oh no!

Susan: Oh, yeah. [laughs]

Kent: Well, tell us about your book. What does it help people to do, “Advice from the Blender”?

Susan: Well, it’s a short, easy to read book and it’s about eight chapters long. And what I talk about is various things like having realistic expectations. It’s not going to be like the Brady Bunch. Sad, but true.And one of the things that people need to know is they need to focus on making their marriage strong. That is the number one thing that people forget to do. They get so involved with the kids and life and things like that, that they turn around and wake up one day and go, “Oh, who are you?” So, they need to focus on their marriage.They also need to be a united parenting team. Just because someone is the stepparent doesn’t mean they’re not also raising these kids.

Kent: Give us a couple little tips. Your book is constructed of some quotes, some bullet points with tips. Even at the end, you go into some bible verses and things like that. Give us some tips.

Susan: OK. One would be, for example, with the children. You’re dealing with two sets of kids, both who’ve been through, probably, a divorce with their parents. They’re thrown into this situation of suddenly they have a new stepparent, they have new stepsiblings. And one of the keys is to be united on discipline.One of the great things you could do would be to sit down together. As the parents, sit down together, preferably, before you get married, but if you’re already married, that’s OK. Sit down together and decide what are the behavior expectations for the children in the house and what are the consequences for breaking those rules and then present those to the kids as your house rules.This is really helpful because one, your kids can’t argue with the house. But two, I also brings to mind that yeah, the rules maybe different in Dad’s house as opposed to Mom’s house, but that’s OK. Just because they are different rules doesn’t mean that you can ignore them.

Kent: So, rules setting is really important. And there’s a whole bunch of other tips, very practically, to work through this problem.You advertise the book as being Christian and again, there are Bible verses at the end. How does that play into it for you? You have a Masters of Divinity.

Susan: Right. I have a Masters of Divinity in Counseling and Family Ministry. Obviously, faith is a big, big part of my life. However, even if you’re not a Christian, there’s very practical tips in this book for how to deal with a blending family, from everything to the kids to the ex-spouse to the in-laws and the out-laws.

Kent: So, tell me what is the best thing that two people could do when they say, “OK, let’s get married” and they’re thinking about two children, say they each have two children. What’s the first step for them? Should they write down some lists? Should they talk to the children? Should they meet them slowly? How does that work?

Susan: The key, I think, is time, is give it a lot of time and be very, very patient. Kids really don’t deal with their emotions, strong emotions, all at once. So, you can tell your kids, “Hey, I’m dating this person. He’s very, very special to me and we’re thinking about getting married. I want you to meet him and meet his family and get to know one another.”But then, give it time. I mean, I heard of a family just this last year, his third marriage, her third marriage. They met each other in September and decided to get married on New Year’s Eve. This is four months. They introduced their kids the day before the wedding and said, “Hey, guess what? We’re getting married tomorrow!” My advice is don’t go that route. You’re just setting yourself up for a disaster.So, time is of the essence and so is communication. That is vital. You’ve got to talk about all kinds of things like boundaries in your family. Everything from whether or not you like to sleep with your bedroom door shut or open to who’s allowed in your bedroom at any time of the day. Everything from that to discipline to who takes out the garbage and who cleans the house. All of these things have to be renegotiated.

Kent: Well, we can go to your website at advicefromtheblender.com. You’ve got a blog, free articles and more information about the book.

Susan: Absolutely.

Kent: It’s been a real pleasure chatting with you. I can definitely say if I ever get in the unfortunate circumstance of getting divorced and then remarried, I will certainly consult your book and your website. Thank you so much for being on the show.[music]

Susan: Thanks, Kent.

Kent: ”Advice from the Blender” by Susan Hetrick. You can get it online at advicefromtheblender.com.My next guest is Emmy Award winning legendary, wonderful composer, Jeff Beal. Come on back, you can’t miss it.

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